I Can Sleep Tonight Knowing They’ve Cured Your Erectile Dysfunction

Oh yes I did.  I went there.  If you’re a man reading this?  Au courage mon brave.  If you can’t take this heat?  Door…….to the left.  Probably best we part ways for this entry.  I’ll be cute and enchanting and all girl ‘n shit tomorrow.  Ok, total lie.  I will not be.

Totes annoyed.  Lemme ‘splain why.

I am tired of the daily bombardment of Viagara and Cialis commercials.  I cannot watch the news at 6 o’clock without at least five of these commercials in the hour it takes for the news.  Then another five and another; and while it may be important to some people, I can assure you…it’s not important to all.  I went to the doctor last week and was informed that the longer a woman has her period (meaning from the inception of said menstrual activity) the better chance she has of getting endometrial cancer.  Right on dude.  So I’m looking at that possible death sentence.  So the period, the real one, the unhappy one, the one that brings you to your knees and goes with the bloating and ten pound water weight gain and the emotion trainwreck…we know relatively nothing about what we can expect.  Also we’re not really allowed to talk about it.  Guess who’s gonna break the ruuuuulllllles.  Screw your conventional thought.  I am.

So here’s the thing…and I’m looking straight at you health care companies…

Why was this a total revelation to me?  I was shocked.  I was horrified.

There is so little education offered to women on what to expect in what is sweetly called “the change of life”.   Want to know what the change is?  An otherwise lucid, collected and capable woman becomes so hormonal that she literally choked up to the point of tears over a song.  A sad song?  No………it was Highway to Hell.  I lost my damn mind over Highway to Hell.  True story.

So while I’m on a tear……..

Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer.  Why do we not have ultrasounds during our yearly check ups?  Why are mammograms not covered if there is a question on them?  So if your technician is loaded up on tequila and screwed up your sunshiney and happy mammogram that never hurts (sidebar – pretty sure they’d fix this method if it were someone’s testicles) oh yeah sweetcheeks…..it’s on your dime for the correction.  And why can we not find a less painful way of checking on the girls?  Did you know that HPV – the mysterious disease that seems to affect an entire generation is now treatable?  Yeah….me neither.  It’s treatable in the same way it’s preventable.  A vaccine.  Where are the ads for that?

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m smack dab in the middle of the change.  I hear fairies singing.  I see glitter in the clouds.  No really.  See how happy I am?

My ovaries have taken over and it really is a hostage situation.  We don’t know (and by we I mean my multiple personalities at this point) what my mood will be in the next five seconds.  So really, I KNOW I will sleep peacefully, like a babe, knowing that someone’s winky will rise as per commanded because they’re doped up on Cialis………in a bathtub in the middle of nowhere.  Maybe it’ll keep you afloat?  Women everywhere can use that bad boy as their life raft in their otherwise easy life.  No really.






2 thoughts on “I Can Sleep Tonight Knowing They’ve Cured Your Erectile Dysfunction

  1. And the best part is if you look up hot flashes, no one seems to know what causes them!!! We can put a man on the moon, make Mr. Winky come alive for a 101 year old frisky man…but NO ONE can figure out what causes hot flashes????? Pass me an ice cube bra…


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