Olive My Fedex Dude

The ultimate dude.  Supreme Dudage.

He’s been delivering for my office for 3 years and is utterly fantastic.

I’m a leftie and have the leftie scrawl.  It doesn’t work when I sign the delivery handheld hoomagiggy because….I don’t know why -it just doesn’t.  So I scrawl SATAN in my  drunken toddler writing as the receiving party and he looks at it and says “Shirley Temple.  Got it”.  I know this because I’ve had customers call and say the package was delivered and signed for by Shirley Temple.

We have an exchange of snark at every meeting.   I was eating a salad and took out all of the green olives.   Why?   Because they are the devil’s fruit, but I do like black olives.  As a kid I also wouldn’t eat onions but loved onion rings.

Devils Fruit
He mocked me.  Full frontal mockage.


Here’s the exchange
FedEx Supreme Dudage: Why aren’t you eating your olives

Me: They are the devil’s fruit

FedEx Supreme Dudage: Didn’t you take the blacks ones out?

Me: No!  That’s racist.  I love black olives.

FedEx Supreme Dudage: But you won’t eat green olives

Me: No.  They are evil and insipid

FedEx Supreme Dudage:  Isn’t that racist?  Profiler.  What’s in the bottle?


Me: Who are you?  Detective Mills?   What’s in the boxxxxx?  It’s olive  oil FOOL.  For food.  I use it on salad with sea salt.  (All while giving a duh look)

FedEx Supreme Dudage: (arms crossed) So you won’t eat green olives but you like olive oil?  Aren’t you just ridiculous?  You’re completely dysfunctional.

Me: (throws devils fruit at him because I’m mature). If by that you mean elegant, amazing, fun, and eerily intelligent-I accept.

FedEx Supreme Dudage: I meant none of that.  Does your husband know you’re demented?  Do you like martinis?

Me: Only if they don’t have olives.  Or onions.  And I fake my own death if I see a dirty martini.  My husband not only knows, he loves me anyway.  (dropped fork in defiance)

FedEx Supreme Dudage:  Good man.

Real exchange.

Names have not been changed to protect the innocent because there aren’t any.

#iain’tsorry #nooliveprofiling #whatsinthebox




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