I’ll Take Asshats for $1000 Alex

I’ve been overheard saying many a time, that I’d like to chuck it all and become a goat farmer.  Sheep farmer.  Turnip farmer……..basically a farmer.  I picture a life filled with purpose and peace and possibly pretzels as they are a portable snack.  I would wear overalls.  I like overalls.  I think they are vastly underrated.

I’ve tried to dupe my friends into going into said farming business with me.  I emphatically declare it to my husband on occasion and get a withering stare in return.  “Sure baby”, he says, “As long as it comes with a 401K and dental”.

I want to make goat cheese.  Goat soap.  On a vineyard, so I can pair wine with said cheese; or at the very least pretend to do an Irish jig (don’t remember how) and kick up some mud on them and then sweetly offer homemade goat soap to wash with.  I want to bake for the masses, as long as they have no say in it.  Basically, I need creative outlets.  I’ve painted my whole house so that’s out.  I feel that I would make an exceptional dinner party hostess as a vocation but I’m fairly sure it doesn’t pay.  I would have to change out of my overalls for this.  Actually, I’d have to buy overalls first and then I could change out of them.  Unless we’re having a cookout on the goat farm.  Goats don’t appreciate high fashion and the overalls prevent burns if I drop a burger.

I don’t know anything about farming.  Not one thing.  Nada. Bubkus.  Could I be any worse than some of the choices or rather outbreaks we have had lately?  E Coli comes from poop.   I don’t poop in fields.  It’s a win/win for everyone.

Which leads to my original my question.  What exactly it is that the FDA does to protect John Q. Public.

We have drugs with a list of side effects longer than my leg (I have a 32 inch inseam sooooo…).  Do we really need a drug for everything?  Doctor I have a hang nail.  Here’s a pill for that.  Doctor I’m old and crotchety.  We have a pill for that.  We already know my thoughts on Viagra.  America has the largest consumption of prescription pills in the world.  We are collectively 5% of the worlds population and we consume 75% of the pharmaceuticals out there.  Do we, as a country, need to man up?

We have superbugs now due to the over-prescribing of antibiotics.  Antibacterial everything has been proven to be a big no no.  At one point I’m pretty sure you could buy antibacterial underwear.


She’s crazy. Save yourselves. Don’t listen.

Of course you couldn’t.  I’m joking.

E Coli outbreaks are frequent at major grocery and restaurant chains.  One was so kind as to offer free meals after their very public clean up.  Oh hey, that’s sweet.  One way to lose weight, eh?  I’m trying to picture my explanation of that lunacy.  Oh hey girl.  So yeah, here’s the thing Bobbi; I’d love to go shopping but I ate some questionable food for free and now I’ve shat myself and I’m fresh out of antibacterial undies.  Oh yes, for the past six days.  Darn the luck.

Now there’s a listeria outbreak.  Through all of this stands the FDA in the middle like a crossing guard who swallowed a Quaalude the size of a baseball.  Hopefully they approved it’s efficacy first and the side effects won’t cause man boobs or a tail to grow.
We have a government that doesn’t really seem to accomplish much.  🙊🙉🙈  I’m just going to leave that there…

It seems to me that perhaps it would be good sense to be proactive instead of reactive.

But alas, common sense doesn’t sell.  Common sense is as mundane as…………Jeopardy.  I like Jeopardy.

I’ll take asshats for $1,000 Alex.








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