Why Can’t You Cure Technology With An Antibiotic?

I could talk about politics but that would only be slightly more preferable than dental irrigation with a fire hose.  I’ve gone underground for a couple of weeks simply because of the negativity saturation of the last few weeks.  Trust me when I say anything I would have written would have so laced with profanity and nastiness…..really I do have a filter *MOM* and I use it.  I’ve smudged my house to get rid of the bad juju (and by that I mean I ate a pound cake as I drank Pinot Grigio and loudly exclaimed THANK GOD THAT CRAP IS OVER WITH.

I would like to discuss my hate/hate relationship with technology.  It’s an asshole. I’m one of those special people who thinks that technology peaked with microwave popcorn.  I’m a simple gal.  When people start talking gigs and bytes and RAM and wireless, I tend to get snippy just because I don’t understand it.  I get a glazed stare which denotes lack of caring and comprehension and then I start singing Ani DiFrano….and if you’re too young and tech savvy to get that reference, then I double the sentiment.

*walks away …….and y0ur untouchable face….*

I will throw down gangster style and tough talk a blender for having too many buttons, usually hissing and spitting like a Tom and Jerry  cartoon until my daughter calmly walks over and hits the start button.  I’m convinced it’s a genetic defect as I once heard my mother call a blender a whore.  I’m just saying.  Nonetheless I fully admit that the more challenging the appliance, the more I bear a resemblance to Al Pacino in Scarface; complete with saying ridiculous shit like…


Which for the record…..my little friend is usually a wooden spoon.

I figure that if we can cure things like strep throat or gonorrhea with an antibiotic shouldn’t we at least have a specialist who can give us a shot for technophobia?  I literally wet myself laughing over people who get bananas over the Droid/iPhone debate and which is better and why.

I’m one of those people who have simple criteria; like when purchasing a car…

My first question is how’s the sound system?  So yes, please defend the honor of said operating system.  Sometimes when I’m bored at cocktail parties, I’ll annouce that I’m thinking of upgrading my phone just to watch the melee of statistics and phone dry humping that will ensue.  It’s like watching that freaky thing from Lord of the Rings.

You think Droid is better?


I believe there should be no more than 5 buttons on any given thing including my cell phone.  If it’s so frigging smart it should know who I want to call.  My washer and dryer sing to me.  My house phone gives me the option of Ode to Joy ring tone or Swanee River as a ringtone.  My food processor only works if it’s aligned just so and I talk dirty to it.  My breadmaker basically flips me off while leaning nonchalantly against my counter smoking a lucky strikes as leers, “Whatchu wanna make baby.  Nah, I can’t do that.”  We won’t even discuss what an asshole my pasta maker is.  Last night I was babysitting my grandson.  He’s four and half and goes by the name Fat Baby.  He bragged to all his friends that he had a date with me and Magilla while Mommy and Daddy went on their movie date and we were going to watch Finding Dory in our jammies and make “real” popcorn.  So after dinner and a bath and STOP!  JAMMIE TIME (you think I’m kidding but I’m not.  We do this almost every night complete with MC Hammer dance moves) I was popping popcorn on the stove with a whirlygig pot last night with wee baby child.  He was delicately balanced on his step stool, leaning against the counter and inadvertently hitting the buttons on our dishwasher which started singing to me as the dryer was ending its cycle and also started singing.  My husband noticed the panic in my eyes at the obvious rise of the machines and started singing O Solo Mio because he’s sadistic.  Before anyone thinks I hate my husband – know this; anyone who’s ever heard him sing will back me up on this.  His favorite movie is Jaws.  His second favorite movie is Titanic.  We don’t know why, but what we do know is that sometimes, when he’s working in the basement or garage we will hear strains of My Heart Will Go On in a warbling, awful, sounds like a hippo getting a gastrological exam without the benefit of the barium cleanse kind of voice.  I’ve never heard anything like it and will probably record and post it once I figure out how to do that on my phone and/or WordPress.  If this ever does happen please realize that it probably took several family interventions to prevent me from putting my phone and laptop in the oven/garbage/washing machine/fish tank/or under the tires of my truck.  I spoke to a friend about getting a tablet and instead of laughing at me as he DAMN WELL should have done he got all excited and started praising Apple products.


I honestly don’t even know how I publish this manifesto of idiocy.  If anyone knows of a solution, please let me know; just not via anything with more than five buttons.







2 thoughts on “Why Can’t You Cure Technology With An Antibiotic?

  1. Calling the blender a whore is my favorite line every spoken………….My opinion on technology. If something goes wrong with my laptop I would rather throw it out the window and buy a new one then try to figure out how to fix it….As technology grows, so does my anxiety…..love ya sista

    Liked by 1 person

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