HH: Did you hear that?
Me: Hear what?
HH: That! That noise.
Me: What noise?
HH: It sounded like a puff of air.
Me: Yes. You farted.
HH: I did not. That’s ridiculous. Wait! There it is again!
Me: Blank indifferent stare
Me: That was an entirely different noise.
Me: That was our neighbor shutting their car door.
HH: BARK BARK BARK SNARL CHOKES ON OWN SALIVA BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
HH: BARK BARK BARK COUGH BARK COUGH WHEEZE SNEEZE
HH: Looks at me in full vindication that she has in fact saved my life
HH: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Me: You want to eat?
HH: Jumps off of chair in a huff
HH: We are off schedule here Mom. Obviously, I need to keep my strength up.
HH: Protecting you is hard work.
HH: Glares at me as if I’m the root of all evil
This was the first five minutes of my day.