Truth in Lending

This is actually a picture taken from a couple of years ago.

I’ve been going through old photos on my phone and realized this was a gem that I never addressed fully in the manner in which it was intended when I took it at a marine store.  Yep, she ain’t a department store gal.  This gem was taken at Phlestschmarine which is effectively a boating/fishing/stupidboystuff store, so clearly no diva is she.

There are all kinds of contraptions to make us look different from what we really are.  Push up bras can potentially give us cleavage which ends just below our nostrils if we adjust the straps just so.  Spanx make us sleeker and much like a corset or girdle of old, forcefully pushes things back into place.  Jeans with lycra smooths the dimples and high heels lift the derriere and give the illusion of longer, leaner legs whilst destroying our spinal alignment.  A supposed reality television personality allegedly wears multiple sets of Spanx and while I’ve tried to examine this fact with an open mind but at the end of the day, all I can come up with is, “You enjoy pain and deserve a cameo in those God awful 50 Shades of Mouth Vomit movies”.

So then we come to this beauty here.  I hate to destroy the illusion of effortless beauty but…

This goes beyond the no make up look or #no filter or #iwokeuplike this (patent lie).  Nipples set to this extreme only get this way when the owner of said nipples is essentially in the final death throes of hypothermia.  There is little to nothing to do with desire when you could cut glass with the edge on these bad boys.  Unless frozen, this (in real life) does not happen.  Those movies you see where women have rock hard nipples…yeah…that’s ice or hypothermic death.  It doesn’t turn us on.

Want to know what turns us on?  Loading the dish washer BEFORE we become apoplectic with frustration regarding household chores and requests.

Also, I think this might be an opportune moment to point out that we’ve never seen a male mannequin in the height of hypothermia.  I shouldn’t finish that thought?  Hashtag not my shrinkage?  Too soon?

Oopsie.

 

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