If men get an opening day for hunting and football which is counted down in increments of weeks, day and hours until the they can go bond with nature or other smelly boys, then at a minimum women should get an opening day at Nordstrom and Macy’s sales.  This isn’t a question, it’s a declarative statement.  Quid pro quo, Clarice.  Or Clarence.  Whatever.

At the very least we should have supreme clearance to behave the same way men do during sports which should include but not be limited to:

  • Slapping your friend on the ass for being the only super skinny twerp that you know who can squeeze her tiny buns into a size 00 even though the jeans she squeezed said buns into are vomit yellow and match nothing and you wouldn’t be caught dead and moldering in a deserted canyon in them.  That’s not the point!  The point is that they’re on sale and that snippy looking 50 year old who is clearly competing with her daughter as they are wearing matching scrunchies and yoga pants and Uggs didn’t get them.  Your friend did.  Be supportive.
  • Demanding nachos while in the check out line
  • Making cryptic play signals/hand gestures which become increasing harder to decipher.  What you think is the clearly the signal for “There are two hostiles on the left side of the trampy looking mannequin with the sequined thong, watch your butt”, maybe be mistakenly interpreted as “I got so excited by the 60% off sign that I crapped my pants”.  This may or may not garner a look of disgust; it really depends on how good a friend you have.  A real friend will dig out hand sanitizer and Lysol wipes out of her purse and mouth the words “Go long you stinky bish”
  • Screaming “I GOT YER SIX BETSY” while your friend is trying to outflank an entitled teenager with Daddy’s credit card honing in on the last pink Michael Kors sweater
  • Bellowing  “That’s what you get for switching sides traitor” at the lady who is waffling back and forth between the dress in size 8 and size 10.  This may or may not be relevent but don’t be afraid to commit.  If you need to scoop up that size 8 for  that fantasy fashion team league super play, then you must be willing to defend your dream team choices at all costs.  Use big sweep arm motions for full effectiveness and please note, traitor is loosely interpreted for shopping purposes
  • Camouflage probably helps the well-accessorized lady to blend in with the surrounding scenery and should be utilized whenever necessary; this could also involve taking extra samples (read as all that mango chicken) from the lady walking around touting the new Thai eatery/bodega.  Please try to keep the thought “You can’t see me, I’m in camo” silent as this manuever is completed
  • If your husband so much as whispers your name during the event, this does in fact give you the right to scream, “Come ON BABE!!  I’m busy!” for no discernible reason.
  • Dressing your dog in team colors, which could be interpreted as the same color scheme in Burberry scarves to show team solidarity.  Burberry is a team.
  • Sulk all the way straight through to Monday evening if your team loses.  This could be because your best friend, Linda, sprained her ankle jogging and couldn’t run like the bulls through the BestBuy parking lot on Black Friday and therefore you couldn’t score that gigantic 60 inch television that she was going to help you carry out.  That is irrelevant.  Sulk anyway
  • Never be afraid to tell old war stories of “back in the day”.  Please be sure to chronicle in great detail the day you spiked your foe’s purse on the ground in triumph because…well because you could and because she cut in front of you in the SaladWorks line at the food court
  • Hydrate.  Don’t forget to crush the container of whatever you’re hydrating with.  Be sure to delicately blot the corners of your mouth, because after all, we are ladies
  • Check the over/under odds on that new Coach purse being sold out.  Do the odds decrease if you trip someone or choose a less palatable color, like seafoam green?  If not sure, consult with bookies
  • Do not hesitate to send your children to refresh your beer or in this case, Starbucks
  • Scream that the ref is blind if they don’t have your size.  This could be security, cashiers, store managers.  Be creative
  • Finally, make sure your friends are just as crazy as you if you plan on attempting any such activity.  Strength in numbers and all.  It always helps if you all look like an escape was in your not so distant past.  Don’t be afraid to smear lipstick or have a walk of shame eye makeup look going on; any little bit adds to your street cred

I write about life as I know it.

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